You Knew It Was Coming...

So it's my birthday today, and i suppose I should write a little something in honor of that. Not sure I really care in the grand scheme of things - I don't feel any different than I did yesterday, and with the exception of an impending hangover, tomorrow won't be any different than the usual.

The last couple of years have been a strange experience for me, emotionally and mentally. I feel I've matured more in the last little while than a large portion of my twenties. I stand back more often and observe...reflect...take stock of things. 30 was not a fantastic year for me, but I pushed through hoping that 31 would fair better.

I still feel lost out there though, man. Blank. On a lifeboat with no land in sight. I thought perhaps I'd have a direction or future set-up by now, but it seems that my lack of motivation has been impeding that progression. Actually, no - not lack of motivation, that's not accurate. I am not a lazy person at all. It's more lack of specific want in my life. What I mean is that I have the where-with-all and gusto, but I am totally and utterly lost as to what it is that i should pursue. It's kind of pathetic, but true. And here I sit, single, with a job that has no real future, living in a basement suite.

But strangely, I am not unhappy. Sure, i get as moderately depressed as the next guy, but I have adjusted - things could always be worse, that's for damn sure. But that cold hard acceptance has got to stop somewhere. I feel the foundation cracking. I don't know if there are such things as birthday resolutions, but I'm going to work at it this next year, chipping away at that foundation. I can't be a f*cking House Manager the rest of my life, regardless of how much I love the people around me and often, the job itself.

Anyway, cheers to those lost and humble thirty-somethings out there. Keep pluggin' away and bit by bit things will become clear. I hope so, for my own sake too.